unashamed love.

there’s no life apart from You.

you know when you have so much to say but can’t even begin to know how to say it? that’s where i’m at right now. i just got home from my third passion conference and am just in awe of what God did these last four days. my goal in this is not at all to lift up the name of passion or my name, but to lift up the only Name that matters.

going into passion last year, i wasn’t at a place in  my life where i thought i needed healing. the Lord showed me other wise, He used those moments with Him to completely break me down. going into passion this year was the opposite, i knew i was broken and how far i’ve fallen from Him this fall semester. that’s a good place to be, but a very dangerous place to be. i found myself waiting for God to “fix” me at passion and expecting big, and very selfish, things from Him.

worshiping God is not about you, it’s about Him. sounds like common sense but so many of us have it all wrong. we find it easier to praise Him when things seem to be going extremely right, and we find it easier to cry out to Him when things seem to be going extremely wrong. when right and wrong aren’t at the extreme end of the spectrum, we tend to put God on a shelf until the next time we need Him or remember Him. i put God on a shelf this semester, and i kept waiting for passion to get Him down. my mind set going into it wasn’t about what i could give to Him, but what He was going to give to me.

i was right about one thing though, God showed up in BIG ways. bigger ways than i could have ever imagined. and this is where this post goes from a pity party that over stayed it’s welcome, to complete praise and glory to the Most High.

here’s the most powerful example i can put into words from this week. there are 27 million slaves in the world today. let me write that with the zeros just in case you forgot how big of a number that is: 27,000,000. our goal was to raise $1 million to give to different cause that are fighting to bring prevention, freedom, and restoration to these trapped people. $1 million is also a big number, especially for a gathering of poor college aged students. here is the part that made me realize that we can’t put a limit on what God can do, even through poor college students; we didn’t raise $1 million, we raised $3 million. i’ll right that with the zeros as well: $3,000,000. Even with that number, God isn’t finished. He’s never finished.

all of the heartbreak i came into this week with was replaced with a sense of urgency and adoration. an urgency to serve Him through serving His people, an urgency to gain boldness, an urgency of carrying His name to the darkest of places, and urgency to surrender everything to Him.

i could have started this blog simply with what God did, because really, what i wasn’t doing right before passion doesn’t change what God did or can do. don’t get stuck in your past when God is leading you to the future. we can only be made alive in Christ. if you miss that, you’ve missed everything.

“but because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” ephesians 2:4-5

“You need to find your identity in Jesus and be content with the season of life he has you in. Use your singleness to glorify God by serving him and his church and trust that he’ll bring the right person at the right time.

Any man who wants to be with you should want to get to know your friends and your family, live openly before them, and gain their approval. Any guy who takes a woman away from godly family and community is dangerous and up to no good.”

- Pastor Mark Driscoll
   Dating, Relating, and Fornicating

shootdang

i am extremely indecisive.
i over think everything.
i stress out real easily.
i also plan things too far in advanced and way too thoroughly.
but i’m working every day to change these flaws and give all control to God.

this is a terrible equation for making a big decision that has a deadline that is rapidly approaching.

i blame the college of education. see, i was trying this thing where i don’t plan my life months and even years in advance. and then they throw a kink in this and move up my late march decision deadline to early november.

i need somebody to make it for me. any takers?

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

nap time joy.

“every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” james 1:17

so in case you didn’t know, i got a new job. i’m now a monday/wednesday/friday after noon teacher for three year olds at a preschool. i’m basically kind of in love with it. for an hour and a half of this time, all i do is watch these little nuggets take a nap. as creepy as it sounds that i’m just sitting in a room starting at children sleeping, it’s such a blessing. it’s an hour and a half every other day to just sit in silence (well, mostly silence. they like to jam to the beatles gone classical to fall asleep) and think. no phone, no talking, no other adults. just me and my brain and the Big Man.

i felt so peaceful after nap time today. God reminded me of how much He’s blessed me in my life and in the past three weeks.

for starters, the people in my life. i take this for granted constantly. i’ve got such a happy, loving, functional (mostly) family. i have the absolute best friends i could ever imagine- they hold me accountable like no other. then there’s the not so cliche categories of people that God has brought into my life. All three “bosses” I have are incredible and such wonderful woman of God. And I just kind of found them all by chance. the people from ethiopia and blessing the children are another group of people i am beyond thankful for.

God also woke me up from this stupid complaining slump i’ve gotten into the past three weeks. i complain about taking 21 hours. but i GET to take 21 hours- God’s given me the brains, the funds, and the sanity to handle that. i complain about working three jobs. again i GET to- some people don’t even have one, and my schedule allowed me to have three. that’s three pay checks a week closer to going back to africa :) i complain about all the things i have to get done and go to on exec. but He placed me in this position for a reason. i knew it wouldn’t be easy when i took the job, but it’s so much more than paper work- it’s such a great opportunity to share His love with 190 of my sisters. i complain about missing people. but God knows what He’s doing. it’s selfish, and sinful really, to not trust in that.

so why i am still slightly panicking (but trying not to) be overwhelmed, i know God has complete control over my life. do you know how much pressure that takes off? truth is, no matter how much we want it, we can’t have control. we don’t need to constantly worry about screwing up or failing, God runs this show.

“let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. and whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” colossians 3:15-17

love isn’t a stupid taylor swift song.

what i want more than anything in a man is somebody who will stand by my side as we fight the good fight of faith together. i want somebody to carry His name all over the world with me. i want people to see Christ in our relationship before they see anything else.

i haven’t been somebody that has showed that’s what i want in my life lately. i’ve been making excuses for myself and the men in my life. i’ve been believing what people say instead of what their actions show. i’ve been bending the rules and trying to justify them. how can i expect for a man to be what i want when i haven’t even been the woman i want to be?

no matter how in love a guy is with our Lord, you can’t walk together if he isn’t willing to fight for you. you can’t make somebody fight for you. and really, you don’t want to make somebody fight for you-you should find someone who wants to fight for you. he can talk all he wants about how much he cares about you, but if he doesn’t show it in his actions, i don’t think he can truly mean it. stop buying into it.

i read/listened these two things today and i think everyone needs to do the same. basically, men need to man up and women need to woman up.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/08/02/how-to-live-a-great-love-story/ and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBpdJetowDY&feature=related

and i know chandler was talking about when you’re married, but i’m pretty sure a man doesn’t magically change once you say “i do”. if you don’t see that quality in someone before you get to the altar, chances are it’s not there.

things need to change around here. on both sides of the story.

no greater love.

everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. they were filled with awe and said “we have seen remarkable things today.” luke 5:6

change the word ‘today’ with ‘this summer’ and you’ve got exactly how i feel right now. i can’t think of any other words besides amazed and awe to describe it. i still can’t get over how blessed and humbled i feel that God gave me so many opportunities to serve Him in big ways these past two months.

i haven’t been home for more than two seconds since i got back from africa (which it’s already been more than a month!). being so busy can really have it’s down falls though. i didn’t take time to be still and acknowledge/thank God for choosing me as an instrument for Him. i didn’t take time to refill what i’d been pouring out in africa and on middle school mission trip. and i let the enemy hit me hard.

but this past week, God hit me even harder. it reminded how easily we can slip if we don’t train ourselves in Godliness every single day. He lead me back to the place of complete joy in Him and away from the anxiety & over dramaticness i’ve been creating for myself. and the crazy thing is He used middle schoolers to do it.

i don’t really have a profound ending to this post. i was really just feeling so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and satisfaction and peace and love that i couldn’t let it stay in me any longer.

tell me about africa.

these four words overwhelm my brain like no other. it’s not that i don’t have anything to tell, it’s just that i have no idea where to even begin. specific questions are always welcome to help my poor little brain out. and plus, a picture’s worth a thousand words so creep away on facebook.

i don’t think i was changed as drastically as everyone was expecting or told me i would. when i left, i was already madly in love with our Lord. i already had a huge heart for children and the poor. i already knew we have it wrong in america and that things need to change. africa reaffirmed and reminded me of these things even more, and was an opportunity to serve and live like the Gospel tells us to live with all distractions removed. it put back into perspective how much this life isn’t about us at all. i was shown how simple joy should be; material items and the silly problems we create for ourselves don’t matter.

it’s been a harder week back than i thought it would be. after being there for a month and a half, being slapped in the face with america has been way more frustrating than i thought it would be. the things is, whether i like it or not, i’m not there anymore. being frustrated or angry with our culture isn’t going to get anybody anywhere. but that doesn’t mean i can’t still miss africa :) the list of things i miss could go on and on, but here’s a glimpse of it:

-jamming our to lecrae and playing fruit ninja with my tutor kids
-getting at least a hundred kisses from little kids everyday
-cramming seven people in a bajaj, and almost flipping it
-having ten pounds of mud stuck to my shoe when i walked to school
-constantly being three shades darker thanks to dirt
-bats flying into our room at night and our neighbors saving the day
-addis tea and cookies during break in the teacher’s lounge
-playing in the rain
-going on fruit diets that everyone cheats on
-dancing to heartbreaker by matt wertz with my students
-it being year 2003 (they’re a little behind in ethiopia)
-only having my left finger nails painted since you eat with your right hand
-playing cards, drinking buna (coffee), and eatting fitera until you want to puke because it’s rude in their culture to not finish what people offer you
-mangoes!
-prayer meetings at the church
-being eatten alive by bed bugs every night
-the lack of schedule. relationships are far more important than time there
-loving on and being loved by those kids every day, thinking of there little faces makes me cry

still in chicago.

let me lay out this situation for you. i’m definitely being tested hardcore right now.

i’ve been in an airport or airplane for 30 hours now.

my flight to san antone was supposed to leave 2 hours ago. they told us it was delayed till 930.

up until about 30 minutes ago when they told us it was cancelled. funny story though; they aren’t putting us in a hotel, we can’t reclaim our baggage, and the earliest we can leave is 3PM tomorrow.

so i now leave for fort worth in an hour.

i won’t pretend i wasn’t frustrated like no other. but look at the positives: i get to go to fort worth, i get to see my gma, i get to have the lovely fragrance of africa on me a little while longer, i get to finally leave the chicago airport, it gives me one more flight to talk to the person next to me about what God did in africa, i’ll be on mission trip tuesday no matter what flight i take home :)

only one negative: i’ve spent like $30 at this airport today.

“the joy of the Lord is my strength.” nehemiah 8:10